Sept. 11

So, there’s a contest to enter an essay for the 10^th anniversary of September 11^th that will be read at the memorial ceremony here. At first, I thought I would enter, but when I started thinking about topics they were all about me. “I wanted to come to law school because…”, “Ten years ago I started this journey….”

And so I guess my essay would belong more on this blog. But, I have to say, for this being in the top 25 schools for international law, I am 8 days in (or 12, or 15 if you count orientation and weekends), and I still don’t know how I fit in to this whole picture. So, I started thinking about it myself. If I am not working as a grassroots legal advisor with Lian, how do I picture myself within the scope of “international law” –what role could I play between nations that would be relevant to both law and conflict resolution? Well, I think I would have to start by being an American advocate for U.S. accountability in international legal arenas. Cause I started to think about what I would like to encourage as far as international standards for criminals or for holding a ‘state’ (country) accountable to some kind of “world order” as states are at least somewhat accountable to the federal government here, and I realized, anything I could think of that might coax a renegade African leader out of his bunker, or even less than that –the U.S. is not going to subject itself to. It might make up an esoteric standard –like the Model Penal Code, or the OECD, but by hell or high water when push comes to shove, when sh*t hits the fan, it is not going to let itself get bound up in that.

          A People’s History of the United States is a good testament to that. (See subsequent blog for my thoughts on this.) Undoubtedly, I am going to face some anti-American accusations. So how could I convince the People of the United States that holding themselves accountable in the international legal arena is in their best interest? Yes, it might mean everything gets more expensive. Mostly, its going to mean that someone is actually going to tell us what we can’t do…America is growing into adulthood. But, I feel like in this Sept. 11 essay I am entitled to wax dramatic –it is worth the cost. Nothing is more important than a human life –your own life and the life of those you love. And every living person on the planet is in this same basic human condition. So, on the 10^th Anniversary of September 11^th I think it’s a good moment to step back and remember and reflect on that. As a lawyer, I only hope I have such an opportunity to demonstrate to people that this is our one universal human goal –everything else is insubstantial. 

The Frugal Law Student –on Why Bali

Let it be here DECREED: There was a good reason for Bali.

I was crossing the surprisingly civil crosswalk the other day on my way to Hogwarts, musing on the December inevitability.

Friend A: Hey, you want to go downtown for drinks on Thursday?

Me: (sketchy eyes, internal paddling, externally smoothing of feathers) Um, yes?

(later, much much later, like 1:00 am)

Me: (in my head, while looking in wallet and fishing in pockets) Oh no.

Friend B: (joining me at the bar, where I have been holding post for a good 10 minutes) Hey, I’m going to get another drink. Do you want one?

Me: Um, no?

Friend B: (sketched out) Are you sure? Its on me!

Yes, that time when I will be broke. I’ve figured it out in my budget. I already know I will be. I have $44.74 per week. Good thing this is not New York and there are, amazingly, NO TEMPTATIONS on the walk from my place of work to my place of residence. This should cut back a lot. But, as I usually do, I felt flooded with the pang of guilt.

This guilt is partly residual. And for a long time, I took refuge in that. I was brought up, among other things, without any spending money. It didn’t occur to me that this was normal to even after college. But for all that was expected of me to be ‘of a certain class’ (Italians) I certainly didn’t have the means to be there.

But that time is way over. 6 years over to be exact. I could be a millionaire by this point if I had followed the path of some of my other peers. So now that guilt is all real, and all deserved, and I have to re-train myself to accept it as my own, and change it if I want to.

I do to some extent. But then we come to questions of Bali. And why it was necessary, even though I absolutely in no way negatively could afford it. Who knows when I will pay for it, or even from my last ‘essential’ adventure (Jen to Senegal).

We’ll see how this all works out, but the biggest lesson I am hoping to take from Bali is to follow your heart. If this does not in fact turn out to be the lesson, well I will have some serious reckoning to do. But what is that voice you hear ‘in your heart?” Now, don’t run out on me just yet. If you looked up “heart” in my thesaurus, you would get “instinct,” “wisdom,” even “collection of all the advise of people from whom you’d take it,” or so far as “sum of your collection of experiences leading you in this certain direction.” It could be “life force,” or “spirit” or “energy.” If you wanted to go the other way into mush-dom, you would find “guardian angel,” “voice of my father,” or “God.” The point is, I think we all have some inner voice that bugs us like an itching for a cigarette. Thing is, it dings off every 5 seconds for all of our lives, so many of us have done a really good job of telling it to shut the f*ck up or otherwise throwing the pillow over it.

Something itched in me to go to Bali and I just couldn’t shut it up. I fast-fowarded myself into law school and knew I would feel like a lamo and a sell out if I hadn’t gone. There always has to be room in my life for the impossible, the spontaneous. But its more than that. Sue’s making a peace documentary for f’s sake. How could I not go?

So, this is how my “follow your heart” theory will either work out or, well, take another turn. While everyone is sitting in these info sessions wheels ticking about where to find a public interest law opportunity for the summer to get the $3,500 stipend, or how they could rack up 4 credits through the externship program and qualify for some $8,000 financial aid package, I just need to think about how I can best serve Lian and her community. Maybe the Water Law Journal? I can look for ways that I could get back to Senegal and continue my chicken project research. Maybe this does not put me ahead of anyone else, but it reminds me why am here and makes me über motivated to study Crim Law.

First Days of School

So I just have to say, reworking the myth doesn’t work. I actually think its worse.

“Look to your left, look to your right. One of you will not be here when you graduate.”

has turned into

“Look to your left, look to your right. These will be your colleagues for the next 15 years and probably the rest of your lives.”

It follows that we should make friends now, be nice, and perhaps above all, be aware that our reputation started on the first day of orientation and will carry through with us for the rest of our lives. One young professional told about how when someone from law school applied for a job at her office and she was asked how the were, she told about how he had showed up for class hungover twice. What?

I don’t know about the rest of the ‘Reputation Generation’ but I would rather they stoke us up like roosters and set us inside the pen with razors on our heels. Then at least it would be an honest game of rugby and we could all go to the bar afterwards. And I am a peace activist! What does this field amount to that they had to tell us, on more than one occasion, to be nice?

And then of course are the inevitable networking lectures. Perhaps this is a New York bias, but networking was kind of a taboo word there. You don’t want to tell people that your networking. Hell, you don’t even want to admit it to yourself. New York is just one 24 hour networking event where your interactions are more often based on what you can offer each other than on –well, whatever friendship used to be based on. And so we all mill about, cocktail glass in hand, doing everything in our mental power to deny the fact that were networking while doing everything in our physical power to do so.

But how awkward is it to get out of a panel on how we are all each other’s future job opportunities and try to strike up a conversation based on genuine interest. “Whoo, I’m exhausted, want to go down the street and grab some drinks?” reeks strongly of “Hey, you look like you might be the popular kid in class. You said something smart that may mean you’ll be in the top ten. You want to be my friend?”

This might be my biggest fear so far about law school. (See subsequent post.) I felt sufficiently isolated and freaked out, and kind of frantic in my friendship-grabbings during orientation. But then, on the first day, during a certain class I was inclined to take as a joke, the professor, after running in late (setting my little procrastinator’s heart at ease) had us introduce ourselves. We were a small class so it gave a little leeway for creativity. We heard about the ski bums, the Peace Corps volunteers, the military personnel, the moms, the moms-to-be, the newlyweds, the 20 year old, the 53 year old, the domestically well traveled, the internationally well traveled, the idealists and the corporate hacks, the career career people. The people who grew up in this great state, and the people who had just flown in the day before and were going back over the weekend to pack up their house. What’s nice about this particular school is everyone felt the need to pledge their allegiance to where we were.

I think there’s hope for friendship.

Lets hope next years orientation gets it right.

Life is just around the corner -live every moment.

Everything I have ever done that I loved I have been scared. And I am now too. But there is this certain tingling feeling –the smoothness of my new bike gears under my thumbs, the softness of the light off my new craigslist table ($50 bucks), the moon that just happens to be bright and perfect and making all these rainbow colors in the clouds above the DU belltower (while those in Bali celebrate Africa under the full moon) –that only comes when your living that thin line of uncertainty. When you’re following the life force and not your thoughts, not your body’s pestering. This is a magical moment.